Sunday, August 21, 2011

Let them eat cake

Something odd happened to me last Monday.

I got a call later afternoon from the camp I worked at for years and years. It was from my friend (and facebook wife) Foxx, and she called to tell me that a package had arrived for me at camp.

Given the fact that I wasn't working there this summer, it was pretty exciting. Getting packages at camp is very exciting. You're living in that place for 10 weeks, and packages become this social event. Everyone is excited. When you get one, you have to sing for it in front of the whole camp.

A package?! For me?! How exciting!

Since most people knew I wasn't working at camp, I assumed that it was maybe from a former camper, who didn't know I wasn't working there. I told Foxx that she could open it, and I'd pick up whatever it was on Thursday night when I came to visit.

The package contained the following book.

Inside the book, there was an order form that said who sent it. I knew who it was. It was a person I'd worked with at camp years ago, and was no longer friends with. In fact, I hadn't spoken to this person in years.

Our friendship ended at my choice. It wasn't anything dramatic. I just stopped calling.

Later that night I got a call from this person. Their first words were, "So I'm a jerk...".

Now, a couple of things. Firstly, I am fat. It's not an insult to me to be called that. I already know.
Secondly, I haven't spoken to this person in years. This attempt to either get back at me for ending our friendship, or open some line of communication is so petty that it's really not something I'm taking to seriously.

In fact, it's great! Now I can eat this whole cake and know how to dress my body afterwards!
I find the book itself much more troubling. It's written like the worst issue of Cosmo that was ever published.

I'm all for people dressing to flatter their body types if that is what they are interested in, but this book is clearly not for me.

Here's an excerpt from the quiz that tells you if you are dressing fat.

1. Your winter coat is:
a) A metallic silver puffer that hits mid-calf
b) A short black puffer that's belted at the waist
c) A navy single-breasted wool or cashmere three-quarter-length coat

5. Your every day shoes are
a) Platform wedges
b) Kitten heels
c) Knee-high black suede boots with a heel

8. Your white pants are
a) High-waisted
b) Stretch cotton capris
c) Flat front trousers

I am clearly not a fashionable woman. I don't even have a puffer in any color, much less silver or black! And whose everyday shoes are knee-high black suede boots with a heel? I mean, someone I'm sure. Not me though. And I don't have any white pants at all. I eat to much barbecue sauce for that!

I haven't felt so out of touch with a quiz since I was 11 years old taking a "What Kind of Girlfriend are You" quiz in Seventeen magazine. They even have a section of how not to look fat in workout clothes or pajamas. The whole theme of the book seems to be that you should try to look as least fat as possible in every given situation, which depresses me.

Body image is a really tricky issue. I think that if you want to look sharp at all times, that's great. Please do! I love looking at sharply dressed fashionable ladies. I just don't like that this book seems to imply that it should be a goal to look "not fat" at all times.

To combat this feeling, I brought party hats to camp when I went to visit (and to pick up the book).  Even though I'm wearing a "hi-fat" color, I still managed to have a good time.

Hey I think Sam (far right) is wearing a puffer! So that's what they are!

Also, as I mentioned previously, I haven't quilted for awhile. This has been sort of a rough month, with cleaning out my childhood home on the weekends, but that's only half of it. There's also this.

Once, at a guild meeting, one of the members told me that she liked my blog, but that I needed to clean my house because it was so dirty that it made her teeth hurt. My sewing table was approaching root canal levels of tooth pain. Even when I would like to sew, the thought of tackling the mess put me right off of it.

Yesterday I spent about one and a half episodes of Medium on Netflix instant watch cleaning up and got this result. Strangely enough, cleaning out my childhood home has given me some really good strategies for cleaning up a space.

It's still messy, but more of "I just ate a bunch of candy" teeth hurting level. I mean, I can see my sewing machine now! I'll take my victories where I can get them. If my next post doesn't contain quilting in some form I'll eat my hat (metaphorically).

I also want to mention that summer time is a great time for cat poses, because to beat the heat they stretch out in super cute ways. I should also mention that pictures of Fritz take up at 50%+ of my photo library at any given time.

I don't know guys, all that fur makes him look sort of fat. I wonder if they have a cat version of the book...


Jill said...

Oh my god, this is ridiculous! Maybe you should send this person a "How NOT to be an asshole" book. I'm all for fat, happy, and frumpy - works for me! So anyway, really instead of cleaning your house, I think you should just take picture outside, that's what I do. My house is pretty bad...

Betty Crocker Ass said...

I just laugh so hard I cried...
And my kids got an extra long play time as I re-read this.
I think it's your best post yet!
I want cake,
I want some cany,
I still wanna clean your house. :-D

Does Fritz have his own blog yet? I'd like to see more of him. he probably needs a superhero cape too...

2ndAvenueStudio-Rachel said...

Clean your house?? It's exactly why I love you. It's an awesome bachelor pad ... You have a fake Eames and a pool table... Bitch invite me over for cake right now! :)

There are plenty of prissy twats with clean houses that I'd like to advise too ... hey did you know orgasams/pot/a good stiff drink/can of frosting help you relax? Try one!

Boo hisss!!

On The other hand, if someone wants to volunteer to clean your house you should totally hand them your keys and let them...:) lucky you!

Megs said...

You're so awesome. And your "friend" is so ... NOT.

And yes, Fritz totally needs his own blog.

Suz said...

It all goes back to doing/wearing what makes you feel good - and sometimes those things that make us feel good don't necessarily make us look all that good, and the lack of cleaning (because there are those of us who don't like cleaning) quite often makes our surroundings look not all that flash. Glad to see that you look happy (and good) and that Fritz also appears to be in the best of health! I'm also looking forward to seeing some quilting... so be prepared to get that hat out if you can't provide the goods. :)

Anonymous said...

Clearly your decision to end this friendship was the right one. So funny and yet so sad - you handled this awesomely.